Perhaps it is because of the Eucharist that I am beginning to catch a glimpse of the depth of my unworthiness lately. I have not earned Christ's love. In my flesh, there is nothing I can do to earn it. It is by his grace alone that I am loved. He gives it to me freely. I have always known this, but lately it has become more real to me.
Calvin said that humans are so utterly depraved we are incapable even of accepting God's love. His theory is that the only way we can have faith is through predestination. We are so deeply depraved that we cannot even accept God's grace by our own free will. And likewise, cannot lose that Grace once it is given to us.
I don't buy the predestination theory. I believe that we have been given the free will to accept or reject God's Grace. I do, however, agree that I am essentially unworthy of God's incredible love. It makes the gift of his love even more amazing.
I think this has become more clear, more evident, since I started participating in the Eucharist. Each time I receive the body, blood, soul and divinity of Christ, I am reminded of the stark contrast between the Eucharist and me. That contrast has been a strange sort of blessing in that it reveals the true depth of God's love, his grace, his willingness to love me beyond anything I could imagine or deserve. It is a love that glorifies God and saves me.
Which is why participating in the Eucharist either leaves me feeling like I can't wipe the goofy grin off my face... or fills me with such a sense of awe that I can't stop weeping.