Friday, March 27, 2009

Backwards body dismorphia

I know people who think they are fat, even when they are thin. They look in a mirror and the image looking back is big, but in reality, they are normal sized.

I am pretty much the exact opposite. My body size is much larger in reality than it is in my head. When I look in the mirror, I see round, yes, but mostly I see myself as a fabulous babe. :-)

It often comes as a shock when I see someone on television who is my size. To me, they look so much fatter than how I see myself. I have a hard time connecting the dots. And I wonder if this is one of the reasons it has been hard for me to maintain a healthier weight.

In any case, this week my doctor has stated, gently but firmly, that my weight is a health issue. He has suggested I should do something about it.

So today, I joined Weight Watchers and hope that I am able, for today at least, to eat a healthier (and smaller) diet.

And maybe it will be cool to have a body that actually reflects my self image.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Prayers answered, questions raised.

My friend's husband does not have pancreatic cancer. The tumor is benign. When I saw him last night I felt like I was seeing Lazarus back from the dead. This week has been hellish for them... the days between finding the tumor and the biopsy.

I have a confession. I did not handle this well.

I have way too much experience with pancreatic cancer for one lifetime. And I love my friends so much it was unbearable to think that they might have to go through it.

I am a woman of great faith, but truly I could not wrap my head or heart around this. Like Jesus at Lazarus' grave... I was weeping, even while there was a tiny part of me that knew I should be trusting God. But frankly, I couldn't see how God could make this right. I petitioned him even as I could taste the terror in my mouth.

Lord, I want to believe. Help thou my unbelief.

And even now, when the crisis has been averted, I wonder about all those whose tumors are NOT benign. My husbands brother suffered horribly... and left a couple of kids and a wife.

The Lenten sun is glaring. I cannot hide. I have found a place of fear that I didn't know I had. God, may your light heal me. I pray.

And thank you, Lord. Thank you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


If you are reading this post, I want to ask a favor.

My friend Paul is having a biopsy on Thursday on his pancreas. Over the weekend they found a mass on it.

Please pray that the mass is benign. Pray for him, his beautiful wife and his children. Pray that they will have the strength to deal with whatever is coming.

The dent revisted

So, a friend read my blog post about the dent and called me.

"I want you to get your car fixed" she said. She explained that she felt there was enough abundance in God's world for giving AND car repairs. That it wasn't an either/or proposition.

I was stunned. But not really. I didn't want to accept her offer. But I did. I cried.

Nguyen said 'You know it's not necessary.'

And I said, yeah, I know. But it is a gift and I am really grateful.

So if you see me driving a big SUV today, it is a rental while my Mazda is in the shop getting a new door panel.

Thank you, my friend. And thank you, God, too.

Monday, March 02, 2009

You, yes, You...

The doctor with the yarmulke.

You, beautiful Muslim woman with the head scarf in the produce aisle. Or you,


Walking down Westminster street, white rope tied around your waist

Brown hooded back

Black shoes


When I see you, I am reminded of how much I love God. And how much I love that you, too, love God.

And it makes me love you.

Yes, you.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Into the desert

Walk with me, will you?

Because we will feel alone, you and I. We will feel like we are standing at the base of Mount Sinai in the Judean hills, with nothing, not a living thing, for miles.

We will forget that Jesus is walking with us. When we feel exposed and naked in the glare of the desert light, when we cannot find a place to hide, we will feel utterly and completely alone.

But we won't be, will we? We will be struggling in the desert with Jesus by our side. We need not wrestle with demons alone.

Take your time. The angels will wait. They will be there when we are finished and welcome us back into the world, to our ministries.

Walk with me, will you?

We need not do this alone.