Paper bag

I feel, sometimes, like I am trying to carry too many groceries in a bag that is a little tattered. There are holes. The top is frayed. Stuff pokes out.

And not pretty stuff, either. Not the baguettes and a bottle of wine. Not fruit and cheese.

Nope. What slips out of my ratty old bag is a half eaten bologna sandwich and a banana peel.

(What in God's name is she going on about, you ask.)

I am carrying too much sometimes. Too much at work. Too much in my family. Too much in my church, even. Just too much stuff. And most of it is high quality, good stuff. But what comes tumbling out of my bag when the seams begin to pull apart is the darkness. The isolation. The frustration, the exhaustion.

At least, that is what pours out when you ask me to put the bag down, empty the contents on the table and begin to try and sort through it all.

This morning, I almost couldn't fit it all back inside.

Read James 1

Right now. I'll wait.

.......


There.

Don't you agree that that first chapter is enough for, say, a lifetime of work? I joked in Bible study that I need to put the whole chapter, maybe the whole book, on my fridge.

Thank you, Beloved, for the book of James.

It speaks volumes to me, today.

I want to sell all that I own and give it to the poor. I want to apologize to my husband for speaking out in anger this morning. I want to love my neighbor as myself.

I want to honor you, Lord, not just in word, but in thought and deed as well.

In Jesus' name.

Amen.

Praise God

I planned to go back to bed this morning, to catch up on some sleep before my long, late shift at work, but couldn't because I was too excited about things.

Pray and fast.

Fast and pray.

Pray ceaselessly.

Pray.

And then prayers get answered in ways you could never, ever, predict.

Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. Isaiah 65:17

The 50 million

I was talking to a fellow about CareNet-RI.

"I am pro-abortion" He said.

I didn't respond.

"I was around before Roe v. Wade. People died because of illegal abortions." He continued.

People have died since Roe v. Wade, too, I thought to myself.

50 million of them.

Apple Cranberry Pie

Here's the pie recipe that won Emmett and me third place in the Ledge Farm CSA pie contest today:

Crust:

3 cups white flour, sifted. (We forgot to sift, but no harm done apparently)
2/3 cup lard, cubed
1/3 cup sweet butter, cubed
a generous pinch of salt
9 T ice water

Place flour, salt, butter and lard into the cuisinart and pulse for a couple of seconds until the butter and lard are pea sized and evenly distributed through the flour. Add 9 tablespoons of ice water through the tube and pulse just until the dough begins to form. Empty onto a piece of cling wrap and form into a ball. Wrap and stick in the fridge to chill.

Meanwhile:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

Filling:

5 or 6 apples, peeled, cored and sliced.
1 cup cranberries
1/4 cup flour
1/2 cup white sugar
1/4 cup brown sugar
the zest of about a half lemon
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t allspice
1 t salt

Mix everything in a bowl. Taste. Yum!

Take pie dough out of the fridge and cut into 2 parts, with one part being a bit bigger. Roll that part out on a floured board while the other piece goes back in the fridge. Line a pie plate and dump the fruit on top. Roll out the top crust and place on the pie. Trim edges then crimp with a fork dipped in flour. Put in the oven and back 1 hour until done.

Wood, Skin, Iron

Gentle tree


A drum shell,

A chair,

A cross.

The hide of a goat becomes a wineskin, a drum head, a lash.

Iron, from deep in the earth

Like a root,

a sword, a ring

or the nails that held you up, Lord.

Africa stories

Today, Africa was on my mind.

I listened to the music I recorded while I was there. Immediately I was brought back to that evening on the balcony, with Sidy and Maze and Yacouba and the rest. Maze wearing his yellow shirt and playing his jaunty new, yellow trimmed drum. I could see the bats and smell the night air of Bamako.

My memories of Mali will always be bittersweet for me, I think, now that Maze is dead. It has been 5 months since he died and I am still caught by surprise by grief.

I am dreaming of red dust and prayer trees. I am dreaming of homemade wooden benches and brightly colored tessolets. I hear the sound of the call to prayer and it brings me home, back, there.

As a young adult, I thought my adopted culture was Japanese. The structure and formality and hierarchy beckoned. The control. And the seething emotion just under the surface.

But no. Not Japan. Not formality. In the drum rhythms there is an intricacy and complexity, but it isn't stiff and formal. It is wild, it swings, it beckons and draws you near and if you let it, it seeps into you and animates you like nothing else every will.

I danced to the sabar the other night. I couldn't find the rhythm. It was an otherworldly sound. But the drummer invited me to dance with him and I closed my eyes and let his drum speak to my limbs, my core, my soul. I just gave my body over to the sound of his stick and hand slapping the surface of the drum, whack, and I moved, whack, and my arms flailed wild, whack, and then it was over and I went back to dance on the sidelines.

I have no fear anymore. No fear that I look like a fool or that I can't dance as well as an African. I have no fear. I have learned that from the drum, I think.

And the queens, the Jeli women, in their stunning dresses and big head wraps and their beautiful kind words to me. When they tell me I am family, I believe them, though I don't know their names or how they are connected. Yet, we are family. Yes. I believe it.

And God, who is so big he can hold us all in his love. God, who speaks to me in the sound of the drum and the flight of a giant fruit bat and the song of the call to prayer and the red dusty leaves of the prayer tree.... God is in the midst of it all.

Africa haunted me today.