Saturday, July 13, 2013

Conversion of heart

Dear Jesus,

I can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to be Catholic.

Since my conversion, I have been through trials.  But lately the blessings have been far outweighing the trials.  I thank you, God, for that. 

My marriage has been the best it has ever been.  You have been doing incredible things for us.  I am grateful, Lord, for this unexpected blessing.

My heart has been opening to your heart.  The other day I was angry at someone who wrote very bad things about my organization in his blog when suddenly, my heart was filled with sadness for him.  True sadness.  I actually began to weep and have been praying for him ever since.  Lord, that is not of me.  That was you giving me the grace to see this man as you see him.  It was a moment of clarity that has been with me ever since.

The Eucharist.  Oh, Jesus, I can't even begin to talk about what this has been for me.  Even in the few short weeks since my confirmation, the Eucharist has become the food of my soul.  I long for it every day.  On days when I don't take communion, I feel like I am incomplete.  It was the Eucharist that drew me to your church, but I had no idea, of course, what it would be like to be able to participate in it... ancient and ever new.  Beautiful.  Enlivening.  Full of your Grace and love.  Oh, Love.  How did I live without you for so long?

I am a child.  After 10 years of being a Christian, I thought I understood you, at least a little.  But after coming into your Church, I recognize that your vastness is beyond my littleness to grasp.  I understand nothing.  I know nothing.  My soul is tiny and my heart longs for you, only.  What joy there is in this.  

Your Church is full of Grace.  It was been said of your Church that the walls around it are high, but once you are inside, it is a wonderland.  I am only just beginning to catch a glimpse of the truth of this.  I wonder why the journey was so long.  Why I had so much fear.  Why I stood at the gate and looked in.  But now I am here, in the heart of your Church, and am so full of joy and peace and GRACE.  Thank you, sweet Jesus, for inviting me in.  Thank you for telling me to trust you, even when I was gripped with fear.  Thank you that you have given me the courage to walk through the narrow gate into the heart of your love.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Daily Mass

I'll admit that since summer began, I have been finding it a little bit more challenging to get myself motivated to get to Mass in the mornings.  I am embarrassed by this.  I am going to see Jesus.  I should be getting up at the crack of dawn in anticipation every day.

But I am mostly hitting the snooze button and dragging myself out of bed after a night of not enough sleep.

Today was no different.  But as I pulled up to the church, I prayed that I would be open to what God had for me.  And from the moment I walked in to the church, I felt the power of the Holy Spirit.  I sat, mesmerized by the rosary prayers, my head bowed.  All through the liturgy, from the readings to the consecration, it was as if I was experiencing it in exquisite detail.  Each word, each moment heightened somehow.  And then, in the final moments before I stood to walk forward to receive, I saw Jesus standing (as Fr. Friedrichs was standing) breaking the bread at the last supper.  Carefully.  Deliberately. Overflowing with LOVE for us.  I was overcome with awe, humility, joy.  I felt as if I were floating in a dream as I stood to walk with my fellow parishioners to the front of the church.  I was so transported I was almost afraid I would drop the precious blessed sacrament.  But no, I received a thin triangle of the large wafer and said 'amen, Father' as I received it in my hand.

Thank you, Jesus, for this extraordinary gift today.