Let's face it. No one really wants to hear conversion stories. Mine are exciting to me... but I am pretty sure they aren't that exciting to YOU.
I feel lonely in this, to be honest. I want to just sit in a puddle of tears and tell you all about how different I feel today. How today is completely different from, say, the day before yesterday. How I feel like I am going to crawl the walls if I can't somehow let this joy out. I just want to cry for joy.
I went to church this morning. I felt exactly the way one would going to see their Beloved. My heart was racing. My stomach in knots. I could not believe how excited I was to walk in, knowing that today I would get to take communion. Today, tomorrow, the next day, forever. And I do believe, forever. I don't know what theology says about this, but I am imagining that in Heaven we are in a perpetual state of Communion with Jesus. Isaiah describes it. So does the book of Revelation.
I soaked up the words of scripture. The prayers. Today is the feast of St. Catherine of Siena. It is said that at the end of her life, she stopped eating all food except the bread of the sacrament... and it kept her alive. I believe it.
The prayers. The joy in my heart. And finally it was time to go forward and join, once and for all, my friends at the daily Mass.
After the service a nun, who is a regular at Mass, came over to say that tomorrow she is traveling to India, but that she was overjoyed to get to see me take communion after all the months I have sat there, day in day out, watching everyone else receive. Days upon days, weeks upon weeks, for months, for years, forever have I longed. I have longed for so long.
I have longed for so long, not even knowing what it was I was longing for.
But now, finally, I understand.
Today is the day.
And tomorrow. And forever.
God, I can't believe the joy.