Tonight's Eucharist at Grace church was very sparsely attended. There were only 6 of us in the pews and the two priests. Our music director was called away on a family emergency, so we sang all the music a capella. It was beautiful, really, in a candlelit church, to sing together and hear our voices and smell the sweet fragrance of Sunday's altar flowers still drifting in the air.
I have been spending the last few days struggling over an issue that finally came to resolution today. Do you know how that feels? To go around in circles in your head over and over until finally, in a moment of clarity, you say, wait a minute... What would God have me do? What is God asking me to do? Am I struggling because what God is asking is difficult and I don't want to do it? In this case, I think the answer was a definite yes.
A friend helped me clarify things. And the moment of clarity was so focused and forceful I felt filled with gratitude. Yes. Yes, Lord. I want to do your will. Yes.
After the service, I was alone in the church. Alone with God. I walked up to the chancel and lay down on the floor, face down, in front of the altar. I felt the cool tiles against my face. It took a moment for my breathing to relax and calm. My eyes were closed and I just lay there for a few minutes, thanking God. Asking him to always help me have the courage to do his will, even when I know it will be difficult. Even when I know that people will not understand. But Lord, I begged, give me the courage to do your will. I only want to do your will. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings.
I got up. Set the alarm. Let myself out the back door.
A half moon.
A clear night.
Happy are they all who fear the LORD, *
and who follow in his ways!
You shall eat the fruit of your labor; *
happiness and prosperity shall be yours.
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house, *
your children like olive shoots round about your table.
The man who fears the LORD *
shall thus indeed be blessed.
The LORD bless you from Zion, *
and may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life.
May you live to see your children's children; *
may peace be upon Israel.