Walk with me, will you?
Because we will feel alone, you and I. We will feel like we are standing at the base of Mount Sinai in the Judean hills, with nothing, not a living thing, for miles.
We will forget that Jesus is walking with us. When we feel exposed and naked in the glare of the desert light, when we cannot find a place to hide, we will feel utterly and completely alone.
But we won't be, will we? We will be struggling in the desert with Jesus by our side. We need not wrestle with demons alone.
Take your time. The angels will wait. They will be there when we are finished and welcome us back into the world, to our ministries.
Walk with me, will you?
We need not do this alone.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The most beautiful dent
A few weeks ago, a woman backed her car into the side of my minivan and left a huge dent.
For the first time in 20 years, I filed a claim with my insurance company. A couple of days later, an adjuster came out to the house, assessed the damage, determined that I was not at fault and wrote me a check.
I fully intended to get the car repaired.
I love my car. It is the closest I have ever come to owning a 'new' car. It only had 30,000 miles on it when I bought it 7 years ago. So, I checked out repair facilities and determined that I could get a rental while it was in the shop. I made plans to fix the dent.
Nguyen thought I should take the money and donate it to charity. 'People are hungry. Things are bad. That money could really help someone." he said. I hate it when he gets all charitable. Especially when it is at my expense. Especially when it sheds light on my own lack of generosity.
Yeah, I said, that's all well and good, but what about my car? Am I really going to drive around in a minivan with a big dent in the side? I plan on driving this car into the ground. I want it to look nice while I do.
"Suit yourself." he said. "It's your car."
I made up my mind. I was going to fix the car.
But for some reason, I didn't pick up the phone to make an appointment. I just kept driving with the dent.
And then, on Monday, I was running errands when God suddenly clocked me upside the head.
The money I got for the dent was something like a year's wages in Vietnam or Mali. This money could really do some good for someone. I decided right then and there that I would send some of the money to my father in law in Nha Trang, some of it to my new family in Mali and the rest of it, well, Nguyen and I have a 10 year old mattress that could use replacing....
God shows us the way to live a generous and compassionate life. Apparently I am a slow learner.
From now on, when I see the dent, I won't see ugly, twisted metal and flaked paint. I will see a steaming bowl of rice with peanut sauce. And it will be lovely in my eyes.
Sigh. I just hate it when my husband is right.
For the first time in 20 years, I filed a claim with my insurance company. A couple of days later, an adjuster came out to the house, assessed the damage, determined that I was not at fault and wrote me a check.
I fully intended to get the car repaired.
I love my car. It is the closest I have ever come to owning a 'new' car. It only had 30,000 miles on it when I bought it 7 years ago. So, I checked out repair facilities and determined that I could get a rental while it was in the shop. I made plans to fix the dent.
Nguyen thought I should take the money and donate it to charity. 'People are hungry. Things are bad. That money could really help someone." he said. I hate it when he gets all charitable. Especially when it is at my expense. Especially when it sheds light on my own lack of generosity.
Yeah, I said, that's all well and good, but what about my car? Am I really going to drive around in a minivan with a big dent in the side? I plan on driving this car into the ground. I want it to look nice while I do.
"Suit yourself." he said. "It's your car."
I made up my mind. I was going to fix the car.
But for some reason, I didn't pick up the phone to make an appointment. I just kept driving with the dent.
And then, on Monday, I was running errands when God suddenly clocked me upside the head.
The money I got for the dent was something like a year's wages in Vietnam or Mali. This money could really do some good for someone. I decided right then and there that I would send some of the money to my father in law in Nha Trang, some of it to my new family in Mali and the rest of it, well, Nguyen and I have a 10 year old mattress that could use replacing....
God shows us the way to live a generous and compassionate life. Apparently I am a slow learner.
From now on, when I see the dent, I won't see ugly, twisted metal and flaked paint. I will see a steaming bowl of rice with peanut sauce. And it will be lovely in my eyes.
Sigh. I just hate it when my husband is right.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Within the liturgy
Today, during his homily, our Rector announced that he is retiring and will be leaving at the end of June.
He said it so matter of factly I almost didn't react at first. His homily was a prelude to our annual meeting, which took place following the service. By the time I really registered what he said, we were on to the Nicene Creed.
As we said the creed, it occurred to me that it was totally appropriate for him to sandwich his announcement in the middle of a service. It put the whole thing in context. Everything of importance in our lives finds context in our life of worship. Our births are celebrated, our baptisms, our funerals and weddings. We participate in a mass for all of it. In times of health crisis, we can be anointed, we bring communion to the housebound and the sick. We cycle through the church year, experiencing ups, downs and in-betweens. The church, the body of Christ, give us a vehicle for experiencing the rhythms of life, a context for understanding the natural ebbs and flows of our lives.
When I first was baptised, it was an experience, in my mind at least, that was wholly centered on me. My husband and mom were on the shore. The minister and I were in the water. We said our bit and then I was submerged. When I participated in my first Episcopal baptism, later that year, I remember feeling a little sorry for the man who was baptised because immediately afterwards, we moved on to the communion and he didn't really seem to have time to process any of what happened.
How foolish I was.
More and more, lately, I am coming to love the way the liturgy invites us to step out of the spotlight and allow ourselves to merge with something bigger, finer, more beautiful than we can imagine.
I think Bob understands this. I think that is one of the reasons he is such a remarkable priest.
I am going to miss him terribly.
He said it so matter of factly I almost didn't react at first. His homily was a prelude to our annual meeting, which took place following the service. By the time I really registered what he said, we were on to the Nicene Creed.
As we said the creed, it occurred to me that it was totally appropriate for him to sandwich his announcement in the middle of a service. It put the whole thing in context. Everything of importance in our lives finds context in our life of worship. Our births are celebrated, our baptisms, our funerals and weddings. We participate in a mass for all of it. In times of health crisis, we can be anointed, we bring communion to the housebound and the sick. We cycle through the church year, experiencing ups, downs and in-betweens. The church, the body of Christ, give us a vehicle for experiencing the rhythms of life, a context for understanding the natural ebbs and flows of our lives.
When I first was baptised, it was an experience, in my mind at least, that was wholly centered on me. My husband and mom were on the shore. The minister and I were in the water. We said our bit and then I was submerged. When I participated in my first Episcopal baptism, later that year, I remember feeling a little sorry for the man who was baptised because immediately afterwards, we moved on to the communion and he didn't really seem to have time to process any of what happened.
How foolish I was.
More and more, lately, I am coming to love the way the liturgy invites us to step out of the spotlight and allow ourselves to merge with something bigger, finer, more beautiful than we can imagine.
I think Bob understands this. I think that is one of the reasons he is such a remarkable priest.
I am going to miss him terribly.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Je pleure
Yesterday was the first day I was out and about. I went to the Vietnamese New Year party at my sister in laws.
A couple of people asked about my trip and I couldn't talk about it without crying. I am not sure why. At one point, I was actually suppressing sobs. I was talking to my brother's girlfriend and I could barely hold it together.
Today I had lunch with my drumming teacher. I called him yesterday and asked if we could meet because I wanted to talk to him about the trip. We sat in an Asian restaurant on Angel street, slurping noodles and going over our two weeks in Mali. I cried big silent tears the whole time. I realized that even though we were there together, our experiences were not the same.
I am not sure what the crying is about. It sort of feels like joy sometimes. Other times it is just a sense of being emotionally overwhelmed. I feel raw when I talk about Mali. Open and very very vulnerable.
A couple of people asked about my trip and I couldn't talk about it without crying. I am not sure why. At one point, I was actually suppressing sobs. I was talking to my brother's girlfriend and I could barely hold it together.
Today I had lunch with my drumming teacher. I called him yesterday and asked if we could meet because I wanted to talk to him about the trip. We sat in an Asian restaurant on Angel street, slurping noodles and going over our two weeks in Mali. I cried big silent tears the whole time. I realized that even though we were there together, our experiences were not the same.
I am not sure what the crying is about. It sort of feels like joy sometimes. Other times it is just a sense of being emotionally overwhelmed. I feel raw when I talk about Mali. Open and very very vulnerable.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Me... only different
You know how when you hear your voice recorded it sounds totally foreign and strange? When I catch the sound of my own voice on a recording, I am always mortified to realize that that is how I must sound to others.
But here's something funny:
As I have been listening to the recordings of the drumming in Mali, I have caught a few bits of my own voice speaking French and for some reason, it is far less dorky. And though the French is fairly horribly fractured, in the recordings I realize that I didn't sound that bad while speaking it.
Who knew?
But here's something funny:
As I have been listening to the recordings of the drumming in Mali, I have caught a few bits of my own voice speaking French and for some reason, it is far less dorky. And though the French is fairly horribly fractured, in the recordings I realize that I didn't sound that bad while speaking it.
Who knew?
Spectacle Ballet du District de Bamako
Spectacle Ballet du District de Bamako
Video sent by pazonote
Thanks to my friend Bubudi at Djembefola forum! Here's a video of some of my friends from Mali. The second group to perform is the District of Bamako Troupe. My dance teacher is the man in gold with the dreadlocks. My drumming teacher is the soloist.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Complex
Bear with me. I am working this out as I write.
I think when friends say that a relationship or situation is 'complex', it is a code word for something else: Conflicted. Angry. Hurt. Damaging.
I remember having breakfast once with a woman who practices 'polyamory'. In other words, she has multiple relationships going at once. She was a Christian and we were at a conference together and when I discovered that she was living with two sexual partners, I decided to ask her if I could ask her some questions about it. She seemed kind of grateful that I was willing to talk about it with her, so we had breakfast.
In my head, I was trying to figure out how Christianity and polyamory jive. She gave her explanation, which was basically that she believed God created her to have more than one partner. At some point in the conversation, though, she told me that polyamorous relationships can get very 'complex' because your partner might be having a relationship with someone else and that person might be having relationship with your other partner and there might be yet another person waiting in the wings.
And it was at that moment that I felt that all this complexity can't possibly bring you closer to God.
The longer I am a Christian, the more I strive for simplicity in all of my relationships and dealings. If I start to get a sense that a relationship or situation is pulling my attention away from God, I seriously consider whether I need to make some changes. Keeping my eyes on the creator keeps my head clear.
Love God with all your heart and soul and mind.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
It isn't easy... but it sure is simple.
I think when friends say that a relationship or situation is 'complex', it is a code word for something else: Conflicted. Angry. Hurt. Damaging.
I remember having breakfast once with a woman who practices 'polyamory'. In other words, she has multiple relationships going at once. She was a Christian and we were at a conference together and when I discovered that she was living with two sexual partners, I decided to ask her if I could ask her some questions about it. She seemed kind of grateful that I was willing to talk about it with her, so we had breakfast.
In my head, I was trying to figure out how Christianity and polyamory jive. She gave her explanation, which was basically that she believed God created her to have more than one partner. At some point in the conversation, though, she told me that polyamorous relationships can get very 'complex' because your partner might be having a relationship with someone else and that person might be having relationship with your other partner and there might be yet another person waiting in the wings.
And it was at that moment that I felt that all this complexity can't possibly bring you closer to God.
The longer I am a Christian, the more I strive for simplicity in all of my relationships and dealings. If I start to get a sense that a relationship or situation is pulling my attention away from God, I seriously consider whether I need to make some changes. Keeping my eyes on the creator keeps my head clear.
Love God with all your heart and soul and mind.
Love your neighbor as yourself.
It isn't easy... but it sure is simple.
Retreat
I got sick on the way home from Mali and have been in bed nursing a bad cold since I got back.
On many levels this was a major bummer. Obviously there were lots of things that needed to get done. Nguyen's patience was already tried mightily having the two boys for two weeks while I was gallivanting around Bamako. For me, too, being sick was no fun at all. It has been terrible to miss work for yet another week. I missed church on Sunday and felt utterly exhausted by the simplest things.
The last time I was bed ridden was 3 years ago when a mysterious auto immune response to a virus left my left knee blown up like a water balloon. For weeks I was in agonizing pain, with no idea what on earth was wrong with me. The only light in the midst of that dark time was that I had started to read the bible with the intention of finishing it in 3 months. Because of all the down time, I was able to do it, coming to the end of Revelations on Maundy Thursday of that Holy Week.
This time I had no agenda, but there has still been an upside to my enforced downtime. It has given me some time to reflect on and process my experiences in Mali. I have turned over the moments like precious jewels, sifting through rust colored dirt to find them shining forth in my heart. My time in bed this week has been a kind of transition back to my life that I think I am mostly grateful for. I am not sure what it would have been like to just jump back in with both feet.
Tonight I was supposed to go on retreat at the Society of St. Margaret's in Boston. Due to my fragile health and the busy schedule of the rest of the group, we ended up canceling the retreat. And while I would have loved to pray and eat and be silent with the nuns, I think in a way, I have already been on retreat this week.
On many levels this was a major bummer. Obviously there were lots of things that needed to get done. Nguyen's patience was already tried mightily having the two boys for two weeks while I was gallivanting around Bamako. For me, too, being sick was no fun at all. It has been terrible to miss work for yet another week. I missed church on Sunday and felt utterly exhausted by the simplest things.
The last time I was bed ridden was 3 years ago when a mysterious auto immune response to a virus left my left knee blown up like a water balloon. For weeks I was in agonizing pain, with no idea what on earth was wrong with me. The only light in the midst of that dark time was that I had started to read the bible with the intention of finishing it in 3 months. Because of all the down time, I was able to do it, coming to the end of Revelations on Maundy Thursday of that Holy Week.
This time I had no agenda, but there has still been an upside to my enforced downtime. It has given me some time to reflect on and process my experiences in Mali. I have turned over the moments like precious jewels, sifting through rust colored dirt to find them shining forth in my heart. My time in bed this week has been a kind of transition back to my life that I think I am mostly grateful for. I am not sure what it would have been like to just jump back in with both feet.
Tonight I was supposed to go on retreat at the Society of St. Margaret's in Boston. Due to my fragile health and the busy schedule of the rest of the group, we ended up canceling the retreat. And while I would have loved to pray and eat and be silent with the nuns, I think in a way, I have already been on retreat this week.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
My Favorite Words
I spoke French in Mali.
My French is 18 years rusty... and was never that good to begin with. On paper, I studied it for 7 years or so. In reality, I never really 'got it'.
So in Mali, a few things came back, but it was painfully frustrating much of time. I would go running to my friend Lisa's dictionary to find that crucial word. The word that would open the whole realm of meaning in a conversation. It turns out, a conversation really can pivot on a single word.
Here were some of the words that I needed to learn:
Pray
Prier
Learn
Apprendre
Teach
Enseigner
I will miss you
Tu me manquerai
I miss you.
Tu me manques.
My French is 18 years rusty... and was never that good to begin with. On paper, I studied it for 7 years or so. In reality, I never really 'got it'.
So in Mali, a few things came back, but it was painfully frustrating much of time. I would go running to my friend Lisa's dictionary to find that crucial word. The word that would open the whole realm of meaning in a conversation. It turns out, a conversation really can pivot on a single word.
Here were some of the words that I needed to learn:
Pray
Prier
Learn
Apprendre
Teach
Enseigner
I will miss you
Tu me manquerai
I miss you.
Tu me manques.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Nothing gets wasted
My new Malian sister gave me some beaded bracelets as a going away gift. They were tied together with a little scrap of plastic bag.
Each morning, when our housekeeper started a charcoal fire for the tea, she used a bit of black plastic grocery bag as a firestarter. It worked like a charm.
Nothing is wasted in Mali. Not the bags, not the food, scraps of metal or bits of this or that. Everything, it seems, is put to good use.
Each morning, when our housekeeper started a charcoal fire for the tea, she used a bit of black plastic grocery bag as a firestarter. It worked like a charm.
Nothing is wasted in Mali. Not the bags, not the food, scraps of metal or bits of this or that. Everything, it seems, is put to good use.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Mali
I have tried to start this post several times, but get halfway through the first sentence and abandon it.
Maybe it is because there is too much to tell. Maybe because I am still processing. Maybe because I am still grieving a little for having left Bamako.
I cried on the plane ride home. Not because I wasn't happy to be coming home, but because I was overwhelmed at how much joy I felt while I was in Mali. I expected to have a great time. I did not expect that I would experience such miracles. I would be going about my business, enjoying myself, when suddenly, I would be struck by what an absolute miracle was taking place and was inevitably (and embarrassingly) reduced to tears.
It happened in the night club at 2 am when I looked out at a dance floor stuffed to the gills with Africans dancing to 'Obama Obama' by Lil' Wayne.
It happened when I finally figured out that I was in the middle of a surprise birthday party.
It happened in the cab, always in the cab, when I looked out the window and thought about how I would describe what I was seeing and realized I didn't need to describe it... I could just experience it.
It happened when I took Sidy's mom aside to tell her that no matter what, he has family here in the US. And that now I feel I have family in Mali. We just held each other's hands and knew that some kind of miracle had happened to bring us together across oceans and continents and the big wide Niger river.
It happened everytime my teachers washed to prepare for prayer. Nose, ears, eyes, mouth, feet, hands. Then, facing East, the prayers. I imagined God smiling at such devotion. I smiled too.
It happened when the fruit bats came out at dusk. Huge, like winged foxes, silently crossing the darkening sky.
And when I got a rhythm right on the drum and knew that, even though he didn't show it his face, my teacher was thrilled for me.
And when I walked through Sidy's neighborhood in the dark and felt completely at home.
Showing a friend my rosary and explaining how it worked.
Sharing a loaf of french bread and some coffee with my teachers every morning.
It happened when I realized that my teacher's drum fit perfectly into my bag... and that yes, I was bringing it home with me.
Lying in my darkened room, under the mosquito netting, listening to Malian music drifting through the window.
Hundreds of moments which were little miracles, each of them.
I cried on the plane home.
Maybe it is because there is too much to tell. Maybe because I am still processing. Maybe because I am still grieving a little for having left Bamako.
I cried on the plane ride home. Not because I wasn't happy to be coming home, but because I was overwhelmed at how much joy I felt while I was in Mali. I expected to have a great time. I did not expect that I would experience such miracles. I would be going about my business, enjoying myself, when suddenly, I would be struck by what an absolute miracle was taking place and was inevitably (and embarrassingly) reduced to tears.
It happened in the night club at 2 am when I looked out at a dance floor stuffed to the gills with Africans dancing to 'Obama Obama' by Lil' Wayne.
It happened when I finally figured out that I was in the middle of a surprise birthday party.
It happened in the cab, always in the cab, when I looked out the window and thought about how I would describe what I was seeing and realized I didn't need to describe it... I could just experience it.
It happened when I took Sidy's mom aside to tell her that no matter what, he has family here in the US. And that now I feel I have family in Mali. We just held each other's hands and knew that some kind of miracle had happened to bring us together across oceans and continents and the big wide Niger river.
It happened everytime my teachers washed to prepare for prayer. Nose, ears, eyes, mouth, feet, hands. Then, facing East, the prayers. I imagined God smiling at such devotion. I smiled too.
It happened when the fruit bats came out at dusk. Huge, like winged foxes, silently crossing the darkening sky.
And when I got a rhythm right on the drum and knew that, even though he didn't show it his face, my teacher was thrilled for me.
And when I walked through Sidy's neighborhood in the dark and felt completely at home.
Showing a friend my rosary and explaining how it worked.
Sharing a loaf of french bread and some coffee with my teachers every morning.
It happened when I realized that my teacher's drum fit perfectly into my bag... and that yes, I was bringing it home with me.
Lying in my darkened room, under the mosquito netting, listening to Malian music drifting through the window.
Hundreds of moments which were little miracles, each of them.
I cried on the plane home.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
It's a beautiful day in Mali
My posts will remain short because it is so difficult to type using the French keyboard... but I just want to check in and say that life here has been very very good. We are thouroughly enjoying our time. Every day we study dance and drumming, then perhaps go out to some street party to see other drummers and dancers.
My birthday was one of the most extraordinary experiences of my entire life. It started at a nightclub the night before. The place was packed and the music fantastic. Believe it or not, there is a pop song about Obama. We went wild when it came on. I danced like a crazy person.... and was completely suprised when I heard the dj dedicate a song to me from Sidy. We didn't get home until 4 am, but since the next morning was sunday, we were able to sleep in. ( Church didn't seem like an option, Peter... otherwise I would have been up for the feast of epiphany.)
Later in the day, Sidy and Lisa went out to run some errands while Rusty and I hung around the house and relaxed. It was very nice. In the afternoon, Mazze, one of my drum teachers, showed up. I was kind of suprised because it was Sunday, but Rusty and I happily sat down for a short lesson. Then Makan and Ladji arrived on motor bikes. Perhaps they were planning to go out with Sidy later. Then Lassi arrived, and Ali. I saw a cab pull up with Sidy and Lisa. Sidy got out of the car with dinner, so we all went into the house to eat. I was suprised when Lassi moved the bench to the end of the room instead of next to the table. All of a sudden, everyone began to sing bonne anniversaire a vous.... and in walked Sidy carrying a birthday cake. When I turned around, I realized that everyone was here to play for me. They lined up on the bench and began to play the drums, while Ladjie and Lassi danced. It all happened so quickly I was utterly unprepared for the emotions I felt. I was completely overwhelmed by this outpouring of love and couldn't stop weeping, which I am sure must have mortified my dear friends, LOL. Truly the most memorable birthday I have ever had.
Africa is extraordinary. I am sure that the relationships I am building here will be the friendships of a lifetime. Every day I feel such a sense of joy for being here. I am deeply grateful to all of you who have been so supportive of this trip... and for your continued prayers.
Love to all of you, especially the kids. I love you, guys.
A bientot.
My birthday was one of the most extraordinary experiences of my entire life. It started at a nightclub the night before. The place was packed and the music fantastic. Believe it or not, there is a pop song about Obama. We went wild when it came on. I danced like a crazy person.... and was completely suprised when I heard the dj dedicate a song to me from Sidy. We didn't get home until 4 am, but since the next morning was sunday, we were able to sleep in. ( Church didn't seem like an option, Peter... otherwise I would have been up for the feast of epiphany.)
Later in the day, Sidy and Lisa went out to run some errands while Rusty and I hung around the house and relaxed. It was very nice. In the afternoon, Mazze, one of my drum teachers, showed up. I was kind of suprised because it was Sunday, but Rusty and I happily sat down for a short lesson. Then Makan and Ladji arrived on motor bikes. Perhaps they were planning to go out with Sidy later. Then Lassi arrived, and Ali. I saw a cab pull up with Sidy and Lisa. Sidy got out of the car with dinner, so we all went into the house to eat. I was suprised when Lassi moved the bench to the end of the room instead of next to the table. All of a sudden, everyone began to sing bonne anniversaire a vous.... and in walked Sidy carrying a birthday cake. When I turned around, I realized that everyone was here to play for me. They lined up on the bench and began to play the drums, while Ladjie and Lassi danced. It all happened so quickly I was utterly unprepared for the emotions I felt. I was completely overwhelmed by this outpouring of love and couldn't stop weeping, which I am sure must have mortified my dear friends, LOL. Truly the most memorable birthday I have ever had.
Africa is extraordinary. I am sure that the relationships I am building here will be the friendships of a lifetime. Every day I feel such a sense of joy for being here. I am deeply grateful to all of you who have been so supportive of this trip... and for your continued prayers.
Love to all of you, especially the kids. I love you, guys.
A bientot.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Where to begin
Today is day three and I feel like I have been in Africa forever. Except that the keyboard is different, so typing is very slow and laborious.
Food- unbelievable.
Bed- Very comfortable.
Africa- I don't know where to begin. Perhaps there is no way to begin. Except that before I came people said that this would be a life changing experience... and I think it would be more accurate to say it is a life expanding experience. And certainly a life giving one.
Every day we study dance with Ladji Diakite. Then Rusty and I study djembe with Makan Kone while Lisa studies dun dun.
I miss my children and husband, but feel such joy at being here, too. Every day I cry for joy. Sidy makes relentless fun of me for it, as he should.
I can't get over how kind everyone is. It moves me deeply that we have become members of Sidy's family. I even have been given an African name: Tinoyé Maiga. I am named after Sidy's grandmother, which is a great honor.
Mali is beautiful...mostly because the people are beautiful.
My French is improving. Next time I come I will work on my Bambara.
Beautiful.
Food- unbelievable.
Bed- Very comfortable.
Africa- I don't know where to begin. Perhaps there is no way to begin. Except that before I came people said that this would be a life changing experience... and I think it would be more accurate to say it is a life expanding experience. And certainly a life giving one.
Every day we study dance with Ladji Diakite. Then Rusty and I study djembe with Makan Kone while Lisa studies dun dun.
I miss my children and husband, but feel such joy at being here, too. Every day I cry for joy. Sidy makes relentless fun of me for it, as he should.
I can't get over how kind everyone is. It moves me deeply that we have become members of Sidy's family. I even have been given an African name: Tinoyé Maiga. I am named after Sidy's grandmother, which is a great honor.
Mali is beautiful...mostly because the people are beautiful.
My French is improving. Next time I come I will work on my Bambara.
Beautiful.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
A few random thoughts before I leave the continent
I am on my way to Mali tomorrow.
We are driving to JFK Airport and parking the car there. Our ride fell through at more or less the last minute and we decided that driving made the most sense. So I got an oil change yesterday, checked the tires and updated the maps on the gps.
In my bags: The usual stuff- underwear, tee shirts, capris, a couple pairs of sandals. Lots of toiletries because I really don't know what, exactly, is available in Mali. Plus some trail mix and granola bars, just in case.
I took my first dose of anti-malaria medication a couple of hours ago and haven't noticed any side effects so far.
I have noticed something about this trip. When I tell people I am going to Africa, they respond with their deepest fears and/or prejudices about it.
People are afraid of it. They are afraid of the diseases, the poverty, the culture. I get lots of comments about my personal safety or health issues. I have even had comments about sexual health issues and not catching AIDS. Uh, I don't think that's an issue. Really.
So there is still something kind of mythological about Africa. It seems to embody people's darkest fears.
Part of it, I am sure, is that the only media attention ever given to Africa is negative. We learn of Somali pirates and cholera outbreaks, dictatorships and malaria, AIDS epidemics and ebola. This drives my drumming teacher crazy, sometimes. He gets frustrated that most Americans think Africans live in jungles and have bones through their noses. (Not that there's anything wrong with that....)
For me, the information I have about Mali is different. It is a place inhabited by people I know and love. I have friends there... and family, of a sort. I listen to the music of Mali and am transported to a place of joy and beauty. I feel like I am reaching back to a distant past and far into the future as I listen to the music of our collective ancestors.
And when I hold a drum, play the skin, smell the remnants of the barnyard the goat lived and died in, I am connected to that past and that future.
Tomorrow I am getting on a plane and I am putting my life and faith in God's hands. He is with me here, in Morocco, in Mali, and everywhere. Forever. I am leaving my preconceptions behind and open my heart and mind to the experience of Mali, first hand.
Allons y.
We are driving to JFK Airport and parking the car there. Our ride fell through at more or less the last minute and we decided that driving made the most sense. So I got an oil change yesterday, checked the tires and updated the maps on the gps.
In my bags: The usual stuff- underwear, tee shirts, capris, a couple pairs of sandals. Lots of toiletries because I really don't know what, exactly, is available in Mali. Plus some trail mix and granola bars, just in case.
I took my first dose of anti-malaria medication a couple of hours ago and haven't noticed any side effects so far.
I have noticed something about this trip. When I tell people I am going to Africa, they respond with their deepest fears and/or prejudices about it.
People are afraid of it. They are afraid of the diseases, the poverty, the culture. I get lots of comments about my personal safety or health issues. I have even had comments about sexual health issues and not catching AIDS. Uh, I don't think that's an issue. Really.
So there is still something kind of mythological about Africa. It seems to embody people's darkest fears.
Part of it, I am sure, is that the only media attention ever given to Africa is negative. We learn of Somali pirates and cholera outbreaks, dictatorships and malaria, AIDS epidemics and ebola. This drives my drumming teacher crazy, sometimes. He gets frustrated that most Americans think Africans live in jungles and have bones through their noses. (Not that there's anything wrong with that....)
For me, the information I have about Mali is different. It is a place inhabited by people I know and love. I have friends there... and family, of a sort. I listen to the music of Mali and am transported to a place of joy and beauty. I feel like I am reaching back to a distant past and far into the future as I listen to the music of our collective ancestors.
And when I hold a drum, play the skin, smell the remnants of the barnyard the goat lived and died in, I am connected to that past and that future.
Tomorrow I am getting on a plane and I am putting my life and faith in God's hands. He is with me here, in Morocco, in Mali, and everywhere. Forever. I am leaving my preconceptions behind and open my heart and mind to the experience of Mali, first hand.
Allons y.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Our day was a whirlwind, as it always is. But last night we went to Grace for the 10pm mass and it was so quiet and beautiful. We even had incense, which I love. The church was lit by candles, and at the end of the service, we all knelt and sang Silent Night together. It was gorgeous moment of quiet contemplation in the midst of the chaos.
Tonight, we went to the Nguyen family shindig, which is dozens of people hanging together, laughing and chatting. Always there is too much food... and the combinations are amazing: Vietnamese soup, egg rolls, curry chicken wings, and tonight, our Jewish friend from Austria brought home made baklava. We had a new guest tonight... a mathematician from mainland China. We introduced him to rice noodle soup and s'mores, lol. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it.
Every year I think how nice it would be to just stay home and be quiet rather than join the madness at the in-laws. And then we go and I find myself sitting in a room stuffed with children and sisters and brothers in law dozing off on the sofa and grandparents and cousins and relatives of in laws whose names I do not know and I am always grateful that God saw fit to invite me into this family, nearly 20 years ago.
But now, oh Lord, I am tired. Tomorrow, in my family tradition, it is boxing day. A day of rest and renewal and quiet. We will take the kids and the dog for a walk somewhere, and drink cocoa in the afternoon... and nap. Paradise.
Merry Christmas, all.
God has come into the world. Oh Holy Night.
Tonight, we went to the Nguyen family shindig, which is dozens of people hanging together, laughing and chatting. Always there is too much food... and the combinations are amazing: Vietnamese soup, egg rolls, curry chicken wings, and tonight, our Jewish friend from Austria brought home made baklava. We had a new guest tonight... a mathematician from mainland China. We introduced him to rice noodle soup and s'mores, lol. I don't think he quite knew what to make of it.
Every year I think how nice it would be to just stay home and be quiet rather than join the madness at the in-laws. And then we go and I find myself sitting in a room stuffed with children and sisters and brothers in law dozing off on the sofa and grandparents and cousins and relatives of in laws whose names I do not know and I am always grateful that God saw fit to invite me into this family, nearly 20 years ago.
But now, oh Lord, I am tired. Tomorrow, in my family tradition, it is boxing day. A day of rest and renewal and quiet. We will take the kids and the dog for a walk somewhere, and drink cocoa in the afternoon... and nap. Paradise.
Merry Christmas, all.
God has come into the world. Oh Holy Night.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Hot dogs from heaven
We are training our new dog, Ziggy, with hot dogs.
In the old days, of course, training involved a rolled up newspaper and a choke collar, complimented with the occasional milk bone. But the hot dog method involves identifying the behavior you DO want and heavily reinforcing it with tiny bits of cut up hot dogs.
For example, we want the dog to stay out of the kitchen when we are in there cooking. I have taught him to sit quietly at the threshold. As long as he is there, I toss the occasional hot dog bit over his shoulder. He is learning that when he is in the kitchen=no hot dog. When he waits at the door=hot dogs rain down on him like manna from heaven.
God's consolations are like spiritual hot dogs. When we are vaguely on the right path, he showers us with delicious spiritual tidbits. When we get more spiritually mature, perhaps he weans us off the hot dogs, gently, gradually, so we learn to have faith in him even without the spiritual hot dogs.
Mother Teresa is said to have been in a spiritual desert for 50 years. For her entire ministry in Calcutta, not one hot dog. Can you imagine that? She must have been a spiritual giant to be able to devote herself to that ministry without the constant reinforcement of consolations from God. When I heard about that, I was moved to tears. She really must have been a saint to be able to do that.
Today I give thanks to all the spiritual hot dogs God has thrown my way. I am the eager puppy, wiggling with joy at the feet of him whom I adore.
Sit. Stay. Good Girl.
Merry Christmas, my beloved friends.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Witness
My friend John is a new Friend (Quaker) and has witnessed at his meeting a couple of times now.
Today, I had a chance, sort of.
Before church, I overheard the Sunday School teachers lamenting that it was their day to get up and give a short talk about their program. Neither seemed that keen on doing it. They tried to rope an innocent 12 year old bystander into doing it, but she demurred.
I raised my hand like a third grader and cried "Oooo, oooo, let me, let me." At which point they both looked at me like the insane woman that I am and kind of shrugged and said sure.
I didn't prepare. I sat in the pew, knowing that in a short time I'd get up in front of dozens of people and give my little spiel. And suddenly it was time and I said a prayer to the Holy Spirit to please give me the words to say.
And say them I did. Only the priests could see my shaking hands clasped tightly behind me. Everyone else just saw me give my heartfelt witness to why I thought the Sunday School program was one of the most important things we do as a church.
And like a true witness, I can barely remember what I said, except that it had something to do with giving children the precious gift of the bible to help them when they face difficulties and challenges in their lives. With a relationship with God, they will be able to handle anything.
Afterwards, people came up to thank me for my little speech. But really, I can't take credit for it. I just say what pops into my head and hope that at least some of it is at God's nudging.
Today, I had a chance, sort of.
Before church, I overheard the Sunday School teachers lamenting that it was their day to get up and give a short talk about their program. Neither seemed that keen on doing it. They tried to rope an innocent 12 year old bystander into doing it, but she demurred.
I raised my hand like a third grader and cried "Oooo, oooo, let me, let me." At which point they both looked at me like the insane woman that I am and kind of shrugged and said sure.
I didn't prepare. I sat in the pew, knowing that in a short time I'd get up in front of dozens of people and give my little spiel. And suddenly it was time and I said a prayer to the Holy Spirit to please give me the words to say.
And say them I did. Only the priests could see my shaking hands clasped tightly behind me. Everyone else just saw me give my heartfelt witness to why I thought the Sunday School program was one of the most important things we do as a church.
And like a true witness, I can barely remember what I said, except that it had something to do with giving children the precious gift of the bible to help them when they face difficulties and challenges in their lives. With a relationship with God, they will be able to handle anything.
Afterwards, people came up to thank me for my little speech. But really, I can't take credit for it. I just say what pops into my head and hope that at least some of it is at God's nudging.
Friday, December 19, 2008
A delicious...
snow day today. The kids got the day off, even though it didn't start snowing until almost 3pm.
So, I got to sleep in (til 8!) and drink coffee in my jammies. I began, finally, to clean the house in preparation for Christmas. It comforts me to remember that traditionally one isn't supposed to decorate or sing carols until Christmas Eve. This year, we might just follow that tradition.
I made Kale soup with chourico and chicken thighs and white beans. I cleared the mantel, cleaned the kitchen and played with the dog in the yard. The kids had a friend over and had a ball in the snow.
Even Nguyen stuck around the house, putsing around in the garage and tidying the yard.
I felt blessed today, in so many ways. I realized, for example, that all our stress about finances was the reason I went out and found part time jobs. And now I am so very blessed by the relationship I am developing with my client and her husband. It is a gift from God, without a doubt.
My neighbor was over last night helping us out clean up the roofing shingles from our garage and after, when we were chatting, he and I prayed for my client. Such a beautiful thing, standing in the street in front of the garage, holding hands and lifting up prayers to God. Thank you God for bringing us to this place.
Tomorrow my dear friend and drumming teacher is heading out of town. I won't see him again until I get to Mali in January. Because of the storm we couldn't get together, but we spoke on the phone for a long time, talking about our plans for the trip in January and what we are going to do in Africa. It was lovely.
There is about 10 inches of snow outside. It is quiet and white and beautiful.
Thank you, Lord, for this day.
So, I got to sleep in (til 8!) and drink coffee in my jammies. I began, finally, to clean the house in preparation for Christmas. It comforts me to remember that traditionally one isn't supposed to decorate or sing carols until Christmas Eve. This year, we might just follow that tradition.
I made Kale soup with chourico and chicken thighs and white beans. I cleared the mantel, cleaned the kitchen and played with the dog in the yard. The kids had a friend over and had a ball in the snow.
Even Nguyen stuck around the house, putsing around in the garage and tidying the yard.
I felt blessed today, in so many ways. I realized, for example, that all our stress about finances was the reason I went out and found part time jobs. And now I am so very blessed by the relationship I am developing with my client and her husband. It is a gift from God, without a doubt.
My neighbor was over last night helping us out clean up the roofing shingles from our garage and after, when we were chatting, he and I prayed for my client. Such a beautiful thing, standing in the street in front of the garage, holding hands and lifting up prayers to God. Thank you God for bringing us to this place.
Tomorrow my dear friend and drumming teacher is heading out of town. I won't see him again until I get to Mali in January. Because of the storm we couldn't get together, but we spoke on the phone for a long time, talking about our plans for the trip in January and what we are going to do in Africa. It was lovely.
There is about 10 inches of snow outside. It is quiet and white and beautiful.
Thank you, Lord, for this day.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Such a gift as this
For confidentiality reasons, I have not been talking much about my new job. I am a personal helper for a young woman with a chronic, disabling illness called myalgic encephalomylitis. It is a poorly understood disorder that results in a full fledged attack on every system of the body. The disease causes great suffering.
My job is basically to help out around the house. I buy groceries and cook meals. I clean. I do laundry occasionally, scrub the tub, run errands.
The list of my activities can, in no way, even scratch the surface of what this new job has been for me.
It is a sacred thing to prepare a meal for someone. It is holy to be invited into a home, tend to someone's needs, sit by a bed, hold a hand, whisper a prayer.
For a long time I was afraid to ask if I could pray for her. Weeks went by when I would leave and sit in my car to pray because I was afraid of how it would be received. Then one day, finally, God broke open my fear and gave me the courage to ask.
I have been praying every day since. And God has been showering me with consolations when I am with her. I feel his presence so powerfully I can't help but weep.
A couple of months ago, this woman and her husband were strangers. Now we are deeply, intimately connected. It is a great honor and priviledge to be invited into someone's life. I thank God for it every day. I pray, too, for relief for her suffering.
Pray for us all, my dear friends.
Pray for strength and courage and perserverance and love. And for her, please pray for healing.
In Christ's name.
My job is basically to help out around the house. I buy groceries and cook meals. I clean. I do laundry occasionally, scrub the tub, run errands.
The list of my activities can, in no way, even scratch the surface of what this new job has been for me.
It is a sacred thing to prepare a meal for someone. It is holy to be invited into a home, tend to someone's needs, sit by a bed, hold a hand, whisper a prayer.
For a long time I was afraid to ask if I could pray for her. Weeks went by when I would leave and sit in my car to pray because I was afraid of how it would be received. Then one day, finally, God broke open my fear and gave me the courage to ask.
I have been praying every day since. And God has been showering me with consolations when I am with her. I feel his presence so powerfully I can't help but weep.
A couple of months ago, this woman and her husband were strangers. Now we are deeply, intimately connected. It is a great honor and priviledge to be invited into someone's life. I thank God for it every day. I pray, too, for relief for her suffering.
Pray for us all, my dear friends.
Pray for strength and courage and perserverance and love. And for her, please pray for healing.
In Christ's name.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
A quick bit of advice before I head off to work....
If you heart tugs you to make that call, do it.
If it occurs to you to give something away, say something kind, or love someone who needs love, don't edit or censor or think it through. Just do it.
If you feel like praying the rosary, or saying a psalm out loud, or sneaking into a dark church and laying on the floor to pray, do it.
Be fearless in your love. Love hugely.
Do it.
If it occurs to you to give something away, say something kind, or love someone who needs love, don't edit or censor or think it through. Just do it.
If you feel like praying the rosary, or saying a psalm out loud, or sneaking into a dark church and laying on the floor to pray, do it.
Be fearless in your love. Love hugely.
Do it.
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