Thursday, September 29, 2005

Confession is good for the soul

I finally fessed up to Fr. P, my spiritual director, about the baptism situation with the Anglicans. I told him my problem- that it wasn't a trinitarian baptism at the time, but that it WAS the right baptism. That I was worried that I couldn't, legitimately, take communion at an Anglican church. And that I was afraid that someone was going to suggest I get rebaptised, which doesn't seem appropriate at all. I admit, through the whole conversation, I was on the verge of tears. For some reason this whole thing is bringing up all kinds of weird fears, especially since I am in the midst of trying to find a new church home. Which means I already feel plenty isolated and in left field. Well, desert-ish, I suppose. I feel like I am in the desert, and even though God is sending me plenty of Manna, I am still in that whiney-ass place of feeling so very sorry for myself.

And I feel a cold coming on, which just blows, since I am even more whiney-ass when I am sick.

So, sniffling through my conversation with Fr. P, he says there is this wonderful little escape hatch called a 'conditional' baptism. In other words, as the priest is doing the baptism, he actually says out loud words like "If you, Rachel, are not already baptised, then I baptise you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." An 'If-Then' arguement for God. I wonder what the Venn diagram of that looks like?

I feel much relieved. Off the hook. Like I can actually, at some point, walk into the Episcopal church of my choice and kneel down at the rail and take the body and blood and not worry that the priest would be upset if he knew that I am really some kind of spiritual fraud. Which, God knows, I am not.


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