I really tried. Really.
I made sure I cleared my schedule. Avoided booking anything significant this week. I crossed out all the days on my calendar so I wouldn't be running around like a crazy woman during Holy Week. And, like Kudzu, things creeped in. I have shows to submit. Customer Service calls to make. Tons of stuff for the kids' school to do. One thing after another, piling up in the corners of my head... keeping me from doing what I want to do, which is nothing. Which is sitting in the presence of the Beloved and soaking up all that love.
After I got baptized, I spent several weeks feeling like this... like life was intruding and I just wanted to get away and be alone with God and not be distracted by all the other stuff. (Never mind that that other stuff was mostly my family. I know, I know.)
It is times like this when I really do feel like I am kicking against the goads. And it seems to happen at least at some point every Lent. I felt like this last year. And the year before too.
I told Nguyen that maybe next year I will go on some kind of retreat for part of Holy Week. I don't know if any Christian places do such a thing, (it is a busy time of year to be in the religion business) but even if I end up at a Zen center or something, at least I can be alone with the Beloved.
It is a warm, grey, day. I am embarking on the journey towards Easter feeling harried and frazzled, with a To-Do list about a mile long.
But tonight, I eat a meal with him and sit in the garden with him and tomorrow I sit in a pew for the afternoon and meditate on his death. And Saturday the light begins to emerge from the darkness.
I bought shroud fabric yesterday. Black gauze for tomorrow and white gauze for Saturday, and tore it into squares to drape my crosses with...
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